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Host a a Couples Workshop Today!
In a relaxed setting of your choice with your own friends or any group of interest, you will have access to a licensed professional who will help you solve your most pressing couple needs. How does it work? 1. Choose 1-2 topics that are important to you and your group 2. Call (619) 701-1536 or email at sdcounselors@gmail.com to discuss your topic with requested date/time 3. Invite your friends, relatives, co-workers, and/or partners 4. Prepare your location as you would any other in-home, private party: Snacks, drinks, & comfortable seating Building confidence again after you have suffered a loss is vital to moving forward. It may feel impossible to consider that you will feel strong again, but your life has shown you that you can and have rebuilt before. You have to first be honest with yourself why it is you have lost faith in yourself. Is that because of a loss of a relationship, a loss of employment, or some form of support system? Could you be left to feel embarrassed, full of shame or regret? Loss comes in so many different forms but what binds us all is the grief we experience. If you believe that you can numb the grief or ignore it in some way, this is a false belief to healing. You must go through something rather than around it in order to move on, otherwise you will remain in the same place like a broken record playing over and over. It is true that time may heal all wounds but it cannot do it alone. You can only heal wounds with time if you travel through it.
So what can you do to heal, build confidence again all while going through pain? Doesn't sound pleasurable but is attainable. 1. Identify what caused you to lose faith in yourself. This could be one thing or a series of things. 2. Identify what tools you have used to heal before. 3. Identify your support systems that have where you can be honest and vulnerable with regarding what you are experiencing. 4. Write down all the painful things about the loss of your confidence so that you can get them out of your body, your head, and your heart. If they are swirling inside you, they will always sound bad. 5. Once they are on paper, identify what is false about what caused you to lose confidence by lining through them and rewriting it to what could be the actual truth. 6. Start to identify what makes you great. Remember, you won't believe these things in the moment because you are hurting but it is part of the exercise of healing. 7. Spend time doing this each time the hurt resurfaces. This could be hourly, daily, weekly. There is no right or wrong here. Feel what you feel. 8. Practice the art of forgiveness. This could be forgiving the one who left you behind, the one who contributed to your confidence loss, or the factors that have played out around you that led you to this moment. Here is an example of how you could put it into practice: 1. I lost faith in myself because the one who I love the most, left me behind even though I know he loves me too. 2. I have healed before after losing confidence by faking happiness, diving into my work, writing, being around people who care about me even in my pain, being honest about my pain, being outside of my house doing things even if it isn't enjoyable, attending church for perspective, and nurturing myself even if I don't believe it. 3. My support systems are my friends (list out names here so you are specific), family (listing out specific people here too) and my church. 4. The pain regarding this loss is: a. I will never be loved b. I am being rejected because something is wrong with me c. I deserve this, to live a life full of unhappiness d. I am not pretty enough or fit enough e I will be alone the rest of my life f. As expected, I am never the one he would choose 5. Counteracting the painful and negative thinking: a. There is someone out there who loves me enough to choose me every day b. I am exactly who I am supposed to be, who God created me to be, and most people would be lucky to have me. c. Life can be hard but there are so many happy moments in it. I need to focus on what is happy. d. I can control my fitness. I am a beautiful person and I will put my energy into working out so I see how beautiful I am. e I could be alone the rest of my life but I might not be either. Either way, I need to use myself in a way that gives to the world rather than expecting the world to give to me. f. He is an idiot for passing me by as I am loyal, trustworthy, and just what he needs. If he cannot see that then this is a loss he will endure not me. 6. I am great because I love strongly, I am a great friend, I am full of laughter and joy, I am open to trying new things, I am fun, I am funny, I am beautiful, I am hard working, I am spiritual, and I am good. As you can see the narrative from one to the next can be quite dramatic. One of the largest hurts a person can go through despite disasters in the world or even death is the loss of a loved one. This could be a friendship or a lover but society, regardless of race, gender or geographical location, identifies this as their primary pain; which is why I used it as an example. Keep things focused on "I" when writing things out so that healing happens directly with you rather than attempting to change the world around you. Write me if you need help working through your pain. You can call me to schedule time or email me directly at: sdcounselors@gmail.com. I wish you well in your healing and rebuilding your confidence. I get a lot of emails from people about how to recover from a break up. It seems opposite of what I would discuss since my role is to bring relationships together. However, a break up is something that is so incredibly personal, so humbling, so gut wrenching, and leaves one feeling lost in the world. I would know considering I have had several break ups in my life. Some were mutual, some were me walking away and other times it was me being left. All are hard but to me getting dumped is the worst.
I spoke early about the Power of Vulnerability. This was in the context of love and be open to fall. Breaking up is the same as falling in love. In order for you to heal, you must allow yourself to be vulnerable. Be honest with yourself when this occurs so that you can move through the emotions. We can't ignore them, we can't walk away from them, and we can't heal without them. Here are some tips that I have used and still use today to work through these incredibly painful times. 1. Eat Right: Why does nutrition matter when you heart is broken? Studies show that food and the chemicals in our brains interact throughout the day. If you are eating unhealthy food items to cope with your sadness, you are actually effecting your dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin levels. This will lead to depressed mood, increase in anxiety and inability to concentrate. 2. Exercise: Alright, Alright! I have already pushed onto you the importance of eating right and now I am pushing exercise. I am certain that some of you may feel the last thing you want to do when you are feel depressed is work out. However, working out also helps hormones that produce an increase in serotonin which leads to increased mood. As you work out and your hormones take into effect, you will also have an increase in self-esteem for how your body will feel both internally and externally. 3. Write, Speak, Express: Whatever way you are able to express how you are feeling due to a break up, do it. If you like to write, sing it, yell it, cry it or act it out. It is better out of you than inside of you when it comes to our negative thinking patterns inside our head. 4. Have a strong support system: If you don't have it, get it. If you have it, use it. Be vulnerable here. Be authentic in what you feel and allow for others to help you put yourself back together. When we get dumped, we have a strong sense of rejection or overpowering loss of self-worth. Let your support systems tell you how great you are until you are able to see that again for yourself. You could also join a support group. 5. Gratitude: Spend time in gratitude. Even if you are going through a break up, there were likely things about the relationship that you loved. Spend time with this as a way of saying thank you internally for sharing a relationship with someone else. If it ended due to something truly painful, set aside that pain even if temporarily just to practice this. The art of gratitude is not easy but it will allow you to forgive and let go. 6. Sleep: Get enough of it. If you need to sleep more than usual, do that too for a couple of days. If excessive sleeping goes beyond that, it can enhance your depressed mood. Focus on a sleep routine to get you on track. 7. Find laughter and Enjoyment Again: This requires that you take a small step each day towards something healthy and positive. Break ups often leave us feeling frozen as though you are starting to put the pieces back together again but unsure where to go first. Start with getting outside, leaving your house, talking to someone in the grocery store check out line, volunteer, go to church, see a movie, spending time with friends, or focusing further on your career. These are only some examples but the key is to do something. 8. Above all else, have compassion for yourself. You can't move forward if you are beating yourself up. Reflect on what has happened but tell yourself through positive self talk that you are worth love, that you will find love again and that it ended because the other person was not the right fit. Email me some ways in which you have gotten your life back on track after ending a relationship. I look forward to hearing from you. Host a Parenting Party Today!
In a relaxed setting of your choice with your own friends or any group of interest, you will have access to a licensed professional who will help you solve your most pressing parenting needs. How does it work? 1. Choose a topic that is important to you and your group 2. Call (619) 701-1536 or email at sdcounselors@gmail.com to discuss your topic with requested date/time 3. Invite your friends, relatives, co-workers, and/or partners 4. Prepare your location as you would any other in-home, private party: Snacks, drinks, & comfortable seating A very close friend of mine introduced a video to me today which is listed under my resource page called "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown. Her background is in Social Work and Research. I encourage you to take a look. Why though?
We often associate being vulnerable with being weak. We think that if we should be anything less than our best selves for a first impression, then we won't get the chance to make a second one. Society teaches us this too. We learn this in interviews, in school, or going on our first date. I was reintroduced to someone that I knew many years ago and in fact we hadn't even spoken in over 15 years because our lives were on different paths at different parts of the country. However, we have always felt that we were connected in either some heavenly or cosmic way. We will never know. We have been the best of friends and yet spent so many years apart. When we spoke, as much as I wanted to keep my mask up, to keep from appearing vulnerable, love took over. I couldn't be anything but vulnerable. My emotions were raw, my excitement for our conversation was overwhelming, my heart ached in a way that I can't explain but it was all amazing. What I realized in that moment and in watching Brene's video was that being vulnerable, regardless of the other's interpretation, it is gratifying, freeing, and emotionally empowering. The power that comes from this act of letting go is much stronger than what you might get if you were holding back and composed. So why would I share this with you? First of all, I share it with you because I am excited to share it with others. Even if it lasts for a short while or a life span, it is wonderful and real and something I deserve. I also share it with you because I want you to challenge yourself to consider what gets in your way to hold yourself back. What piece of the puzzle are you missing for a whole picture? If you look into your hand, you will likely find that puzzle piece resting within your palm. You are in control of your pathway. You are also in control of your isolation. Email me stories you have of love or things that get in your way. I would love to hear them. If you need help moving in any direction, we can set up time to talk or meet for a clinical session. In the words of Dr Seuss, "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love". What do you find most stressful when you are about to embark on something? Is it a new task you have to accomplish, a new skill you have to learn, a new trip you have to plan, or simply getting together with family and friends to celebrate the holidays and new year? Stress is a way for our body to tell us that we need extra help. Stress is sometimes good and sometimes bad; and both can take a toll on our health if we have too much of either. Consider this. The way we think about something (cognition) effects the way that we act (behavioral) and ultimately it turns into the way we feel about something (internal state). If you think something is stressful by the way that you interpret it, then your body begins to respond to the stressor in a way that protects you. This can cause an increase in blood pressure, heart rate, sweating, adrenaline increases and emotions become heightened. How does stress show up in your body? Do you know how to manage it? Do you know how to tell the difference between good stressors or bad ones?
Ways to manage your stress in moderation for the New Year 1. Develop a work out routine: It isn't about losing weight but getting your hormones to work effectively to support brain and heart health. It creates a happier mood, a calmer demeanor and a healthier body. 2. Set healthy expectations for yourself that you can attain rather than unrealistic ones. As you meet them, add new ones. This will keep you motivated to move forward and it will reduce the stress of perfectionism. 3. Set a budget: Having your financial situation in order with a plan will reduce your stress because you are prepared and attaining goals. If you are overspending, find ways that you can either make more, or spend less without deprivation. 4. Practice mindfulness and presence. When you are doing an activity, be fully immersed in it. If you find your mind wandering onto other things that you need to do, bring yourself back. Practicing being present and mindful in each moment allows the body to slow down, to engage, and to remove stress from the body. 5. If you find yourself lonely in the new year, find ways that you can get involved with others. Stay connected. The more connected you are, the healthier and happier you are. 6. Limit your use of alcohol or other substances. This can include overeating. Although in the immediate moment, your body will relax, it will quickly identify that it is not well and begin to counterbalance what was put into the body. It will identify these coping skills as stressors that cause trouble to your overall system. 7. Find an accountability partner. This is someone who you can be real with and are open to allowing them to give you honest feedback. Love yourself enough to believe an accountability partner is what you need to keep yourself healthy. Pay it forward if someone asks so you can be just as authentic with them. 8. Practice loving. This is a simple concept that helps us with our stress. When you are upset, love more. When you want to pull away, lean forward. Always respond in love, even when your initial reaction is to defy it. You are reteaching your brain to be at peace. It will start with acting and turn into action. What are ways you deal with stress that help you. Send me an email so I can hear your ideas: sdcounselors@gmail.com Happy Holidays and New Year! Today I spoke to some staff about self-care and the importance of what that meant. I talked about how we should always focus on work-life balance and really acknowledge when we are burning out. We discussed vicarious trauma and the effects that has on our lives, on our health and on our overall sense of being. We shared what led to burn out for us and also some of the trauma we face. This led me to Paradise. I wasn't raised in Paradise but I lived there and raised my son since he was about 5. He is now 20. I can't believe the devastation this town has endured and the people who have survived now have to face. I find myself at times in tears; some times feeling a gut wrenching heaviness from the weight of the devastation. My son's schools, his home's he lives in, his child care centers, the McDonald's, the Recreation Centers and the Employer's I had....all gone. My sadness prevails.
Then I speak to my friends who have survived. They have lost their homes, their things, their lives. However, what they have not lost is their overall sense of faith and love for life. I am a spiritual person and believe that they are the mirrors to heaven because in pure darkness and devastation, they see light. I aspire to be more of this. I will continue to send my prayers to those touched by the fires of Paradise. However, I wanted to really come back to what I started my morning on with the staff. Vicarious trauma and self-care. In darkness, there is light. In light, there is balance. Focus on finding your balance so that when events happen in your life, not like the fire, but normal stressful events, you can manage effectively. Some coping skills that I have developed over time and continue to take practice are: 1. Exercise: I love to use the rowing machine and the elliptical 2. Walk the dog or go to the dog park: There is nothing like spending time at the dog park and feeling the happiness of the other dogs and the owners 3. Spending time with good friends: I say good friends because it is important to get rid of the ones that do not add value to your life 4. Church: I love hearing the messages and singing the music 5. Beach: Watching the waves, smelling the salt, listening to the sounds 6. Massages: This isn't one of my first choices 7. Gardening: Love to grow my own food and know that I accomplished something This is just a start. What works for you? Southern California suffered fires and loss too. Please donate to both Southern and Northern California if you are able to. Red Cross or Salvation Army are two resources where the the supplies will go directly to the victims. THEdetour offers fun workshops for couples who are married, together or in transition. The focus is on excitement, connection/reconnection and new styles of communication. Therapy is helpful when you want to work on issues that might be deep rooted but a class may be all you need.
*You can sponsor a class at your home with other couples of your choosing and will get your class free (6 couple minimum). 2 hour class 100.00 per couple Contact me for the next class starting in January 2019 www.thedetour.org sdcounselors@gmail.com How do you manage your stress? Do you know when you are experiencing stress?
Unhealthy ways to manage stress that may work for the very short term:
Healthy ways of managing your stress that will assist you in the long run:
Stress can take on many forms as it can sometimes provide you with motivation, give you energy, and move you forward. However, it can also lead to burnout, health issues, mental health issues and social issues. Taking care of yourself allows you to take care of others. Put yourself first. |
Want to Be A Guest Blogger?Angela WarnekeLicensed Marriage and Family Therapist (#88167). I have been working with youth since 2006 in the role of parent educator, therapist, case manager and supervisor from programs involving youth. I have also worked with adults since 2006 through parenting, Child Welfare and Behavioral Health services. Archives
October 2019
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