I get a lot of emails from people about how to recover from a break up.  It seems opposite of what I would discuss since my role is to bring relationships together.  However, a break up is something that is so incredibly personal, so humbling, so gut wrenching, and leaves one feeling lost in the world.  I would know considering I have had several break ups in my life.  Some were mutual, some were me walking away and other times it was me being left.  All are hard but to me getting dumped is the worst.

I spoke early about the Power of Vulnerability.  This was in the context of love and be open to fall.  Breaking up is the same as falling in love.  In order for you to heal, you must allow yourself to be vulnerable.  Be honest with yourself when this occurs so that you can move through the emotions.  We can't ignore them, we can't walk away from them, and we can't heal without them.  Here are some tips that I have used and still use today to work through these incredibly painful times.

1. Eat Right: Why does nutrition matter when you heart is broken?  Studies show that food and the chemicals in our brains interact throughout the day.  If you are eating unhealthy food items to cope with your sadness, you are actually effecting your dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin levels.  This will lead to depressed mood, increase in anxiety and inability to concentrate.

2. Exercise: Alright, Alright!  I have already pushed onto you the importance of eating right and now I am pushing exercise.  I am certain that some of you may feel the last thing you want to do when you are feel depressed is work out. However, working out also helps hormones that produce an increase in serotonin which leads to increased mood.  As you work out and your hormones take into effect, you will also have an increase in self-esteem for how your body will feel both internally and externally.

3. Write, Speak, Express:  Whatever way you are able to express how you are feeling due to a break up, do it.  If you like to write, sing it, yell it, cry it or act it out.  It is better out of you than inside of you when it comes to our negative thinking patterns inside our head.

4.  Have a strong support system: If you don't have it, get it.  If you have it, use it.  Be vulnerable here. Be authentic in what you feel and allow for others to help you put yourself back together.  When we get dumped, we have a strong sense of rejection or overpowering loss of self-worth. Let your support systems tell you how great you are until you are able to see that again for yourself.  You could also join a support group.

5. Gratitude: Spend time in gratitude.  Even if you are going through a break up, there were likely things about the relationship that you loved.  Spend time with this as a way of saying thank you internally for sharing a relationship with someone else.  If it ended due to something truly painful, set aside that pain even if temporarily just to practice this.  The art of gratitude is not easy but it will allow you to forgive and let go.

6. Sleep: Get enough of it.  If you need to sleep more than usual, do that too for a couple of days.  If excessive sleeping goes beyond that, it can enhance your depressed mood.  Focus on a sleep routine to get you on track.

7. Find laughter and Enjoyment Again:  This requires that you take a small step each day towards something healthy and positive.  Break ups often leave us feeling frozen as though you are starting to put the pieces back together again but unsure where to go first.  Start with getting outside, leaving your house, talking to someone in the grocery store check out line, volunteer, go to church, see a movie, spending time with friends, or focusing further on your career.  These are only some examples but the key is to do something.

8.  Above all else, have compassion for yourself.  You can't move forward if you are beating yourself up.  Reflect on what has happened but tell yourself through positive self talk that you are worth love, that you will find love again and that it ended because the other person was not the right fit.
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Email me some ways in which you have gotten your life back on track after ending a relationship.  I look forward to hearing from you.

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1. Choose a topic that is important to you and your group
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A very close friend of mine introduced a video to me today which is listed under my resource page called "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown.  Her background is in Social Work and Research.  I encourage you to take a look.  Why though?

We often associate being vulnerable with being weak.  We think that if we should be anything less than our best selves for a first impression, then we won't get the chance to make a second one.  Society teaches us this too.  We learn this in interviews, in school, or going on our first date.

I was reintroduced to someone that I knew many years ago and in fact we hadn't even spoken in over 15 years because our lives were on different paths at different parts of the country.  However, we have always felt that we were connected in either some heavenly or cosmic way.  We will never know.  We have been the best of friends and yet spent so many years apart.  When we spoke, as much as I wanted to keep my mask up, to keep from appearing vulnerable, love took over.  I couldn't be anything but vulnerable.  My emotions were raw, my excitement for our conversation was overwhelming, my heart ached in a way that I can't explain but it was all amazing.  What I realized in that moment and in watching Brene's video was that being vulnerable, regardless of the other's interpretation, it is gratifying, freeing, and emotionally empowering.  The power that comes from this act of letting go is much stronger than what you might get if you were holding back and composed.  

So why would I share this with you?  First of all, I share it with you because I am excited to share it with others.  Even if it lasts for a short while or a life span, it is wonderful and real and something I deserve.  I also share it with you because I want you to challenge yourself to consider what gets in your way to hold yourself back.  What piece of the puzzle are you missing for a whole picture?  If you look into your hand, you will likely find that puzzle piece resting within your palm.  You are in control of your pathway.  You are also in control of your isolation.  Email me stories you have of love or things that get in your way.  I would love to hear them.  If you need help moving in any direction, we can set up time to talk or meet for a clinical session.  

In the words of Dr Seuss, "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love".